Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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