i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize