Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
