I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
