I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
