well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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