Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
