I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
