Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
