walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I feel like abortions should bother me more
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
