I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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