i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
