Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
