phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
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