I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
