I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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