i think i have two assholes
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
