I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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