If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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