How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
