Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
