I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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