I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
