Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
