I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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