I just threw up on my dentist
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
