i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
