i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
