I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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