the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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