And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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