I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
