I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
