kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm determined to sit on that face.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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