Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
