I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I fill condoms, not promises.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
