but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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