I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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