I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
