i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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