Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
