I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
