So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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