What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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