So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
