Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
