I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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