I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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