my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
