I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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