I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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